I don't want to do the surgery? probably for all the wrong reasons..?

At first, my dad was having monetary problems but then he was able to gather enough to pay for my surgery, he said if I want to do it, I can go ahead, but for some reason, he questions if I still want to do it or not and I definitely do not want to be a burden on my dad, my reasons for not doing it would probably be cause I hate myself so much that I don't care what happens to me and I don't care about what people will think around me, I had a brain aneurysm rupture before but they found more and there is a minimal risk of rupturing atm but nonetheless the docs have to perform surgery to clear the mess up before It ruptures again and puts x2 impact on myself, flaws or perhaps death? I don't know, I've heard people surviving the second time of the rupture, perhaps it depends on the age and I would probably be considered as young.. and I don't want that to happen, surviving - instead I want it to rupture and take me with it, religion-wise is it considered as suicide? in Islam, would it be wrong to just not do the surgery for all the wrong reasons?